Story - I do not have any wish

It seemed like a perfect morning. The sun, lurking shyly from behind the curtain of clouds looked down and I could feel its warmth. The breakfast was ready and I called upon Alka. While waiting for her, I stood facing the sun and soaked in the scenery spread before me. The green hills were covered with fog. And the lazy sunlight that lay on them looked like a bed-sheet wrinkled by wanton lovemaking. The smell of passion still lingered in the air. I drew a deep breath and stood there for a few moments, free from all mundane thoughts in the world for a while.

Alka and I have been married for over seven years now. Ours was a late marriage. I had mostly remained occupied with career and personal life therefore, had taken a back seat. For Alka, it was more a matter of not finding the right person to settle down with. I don’t know what she was looking for and whether she found that in me, but her wait proved to be lucky for me. After marriage, life seemed to be more complete than ever before. Nothing was amiss for next few years which just slipped by. But then, one fine day, I noticed a void in her eyes. Something was troubling her. ‘Sudhir, it has been four years since we got married. I’ve still not conceived!’ she whispered.

‘Sudhir, hurry up. We have to reach the temple before noon. They said it’ll take us three or four hours to climb up.’ We were joined by our guide Vijay to help us reach the temple. We had been to almost every temple in the country in last three years, hoping to fill the void of her eye which has spread to consume our entire life by now.
As we approached the temple, our guide Vijay started narrating the story of the temple. Apparently, this place was blessed by Lord Shiva himself and anyone who prayed here was granted his wish. Blessed or not, I knew that the visit would keep Alka happy for the next few weeks. And that was enough of a blessing for me.

The two of us sat inside the temple. ‘Sudhir, close your eyes,’ said Alka enthusiastically. I could not help but wonder at her naïve belief which refused to shake. When I looked at her, sitting with her hands folded and eyes closed, I felt guilty about doubting God’s graciousness. I closed my eyes as well. For a few moments, the world ceased to exist. I felt as if I was slowly getting sub-merged into a sea. I could see thousands of fish around me but could touch none of them. My lungs choked but I did not feel any pain. I was slowly reaching the bottom of the ocean. I closed my eyes and in those last moments before hitting the bottom, asked myself and everything around me, why me? Why was I chosen to go through this? I do not seek remedy but just the answer. Why me?

‘Sudhir, Sudhir, get up,’ I heard Alka saying. I got up suddenly, slightly embarrassed and started to move out of the temple. Alka, after the prayer in the temple, had lightened up and her eyes now glowed with life. As she happily ambled ahead, I chose to walk with our young guide, Vijay.

‘Vijay, do you really believe in the story about the temple?’ I asked.
‘Of course, saab. It is true. So many people come back when their wishes get fulfilled. I’m sure you will also come back soon.’
‘What is your wish in life?’ I enquired.
‘Mine? Forget it saab. All this is not for people like us, he replied.’
‘Why, did you never wish for anything?’
‘Saab…when I was sixteen I wanted to join the army, but then…’
‘But then? But then what?’ I insisted.
‘Haah, saab. My mother died of cancer that year…and my father also joined her next year. I was left with two younger sisters to take care of. But with God’s grace, both of them are married now.’
‘And what about you?’ I asked.
‘I am too aged to join the army now and too poor to get married.’
‘Oh.’ An eerie silence engulfed the entire hills as we kept walking in silence.
I saw the hope in Alka’s gait. It stood out starkly against Vijay’s despondence. I could take it no longer and blurted out, ‘Despite all this, you still believe in the power of this temple? Why didn’t God fulfill your wish?’
Vijay stopped in his way and turned towards me. For a moment I thought I had angered him but his eyes were still as calm as before. He looked at me blankly for some time and then said, ‘God gives pain to those who are close to his heart because he knows they will not question his ways. He takes away their share of luck and gives it to those who do.’

We then visited the places around and left for our home after a couple of days. As I began to start my car, Alka, looking a bit disturbed asked, ‘Sudhir, do you really think it is true?’
‘What are you talking about?’ I casually asked her as I tried to turn the ignition on.
‘This thing about wish fulfillment and all. I mean we’ve been visiting these places for years now. I‘m feeling somewhat silly for making you do all this.’
I stopped for a moment and then got busy again with the keys, ‘don’t be silly. I don’t know about yours…’
The engine suddenly came back to life.‘…but mine got fulfilled just now.’